The most human thing about you.

On my Instagram, I often talk about codependency. That’s because 9 years ago, I had to start my life over.

I was in the kitchen, and listening to the Mark Groves podcast one day, when I caught an episode with Leah Braithwaite that gave me goosebumps.

I dumped the carrots and peeler in my sink, stopped what I was doing, and scribbled this sentence on a post-it note which I then stuck to my fridge door: 

“Your new life is going to cost you your old one.”  

It stared at me and I stared at it, and in that moment, I understood that the Universe was talking to me.

With a sinking yet exhilarating feeling I knew that I had to begin the impossible process of taking my life as I knew it and burning it to the ground. (Of course, I’m not an arsonist on the run, but I want to convey the difficulty of this experience.)

I had to rework my health, career, life purpose, relationships, and most of all, return to and create for the first time, in true adulthood, my sense of self-identity. 

I still remember the fear I felt at choosing to leave my great corporate job so that I could work for myself.

The constant gnawing in my stomach at the thought of having to end a relationship that wasn’t serving me (that I couldn’t turn up for either), when I had so much attachment wounding blocking me.

And of course, there was so much anger and resentment – from giving beyond my boundaries, beyond my limits to the point of losing myself.

Of caring for my grandparents and working my job and neglecting my self-care which lead to PTSD and physical symptoms that were so scary that I was afraid of dying of a neurological disorder. 

And I was afraid of dying. Because I hadn’t really lived. 

And yet, from that fear and darkness and not knowing how to move ahead, I always heard what I now know to be the voice of my Soul, my guidance, my intuition. 

“Live your life in balance and authenticity, and you will heal.” 

Slowly, I began the process of resetting everything; a Phoenix-rising from the ashes.

I left the corporate world. I left the relationship I was in. I began setting boundaries. I began going to doctors and specialists determined to heal myself. I began taking time to myself, to know myself, to love myself. I was able to take 9 months off work, and freelance here and there, travel, and grow a whole new me. Daily, I asked myself, “How do YOU feel?”

As part of this, I also tried energy work and acupuncture.

The latter I found first, and it worked beautifully and brutally. The first session excavated so much anger that I seethed and bubbled and exploded with it like a volcano, and out came years of repressed frustration, and, essentially, finally, the need for boundaries around and for myself.

Thankfully, it’s never been as brutal since that first session, which kept me up for an entire night, raging.

This Lucia’s space.

I love my acupuncturist. Sometimes, I can only free up emotional blocks this way. Acupuncture is so good for all kinds of healing work though; both emotional and physical. I’m sensitive and it works for me.

Shortly after, Covid came.

And oh, how very welcome it was for me to have space. I was grateful for it.

Because for me, it meant the safety of alone time, a blessed cocoon with only myself for company, cementing that new me without distraction and the impression of other people.

Something I hadn’t known how to give to myself. To put myself first. To be with myself. To say no to other people’s invites and company. To worry only about me. And on a larger scale, I just couldn’t keep up with the way everyone seemed to be living; in such disconnection from themselves and the planet.

I spent time in nature, I did a lot of writing, yoga, silent retreats, reading, and mainly, I spent time with myself. Other people, I discovered in surprise, were not as okay to be alone. Or not okay with their responsibilities. But for me, being alone is beautiful, a time to reconnect, go within, create, and just be. 

It is in relationships that my, that our, wounding surfaces. And it is also where it will heal.

With the exception of my close ones and besties, it is safer and more enjoyable for me to be with me than others. I guard my time and self quite closely now, because I used to give too generously.

And this is where the codependency comes in. When I am alone, I cannot be distracted by others from being my true Self. I don’t people-please, control, say yes when I mean no, or get drawn out of my needs and awareness, wanting to be there for them. My boundaries remain intact, unless, of course, I cross them and abandon myself, but that I learned how to manage and do infrequently now. 

And my psychologist self knows very well why this is happening on a cognitive level. It relates to enmeshment and my fearful avoidant attachment style which I have been working to reprogram for a few years now.

And yet, we must heal somatically, and spiritually too. Not just through knowing, but through feeling and doing.

Via the body and the heart, the soul, and for me, that has so often meant taking actions.

Because if we let it, trauma keeps us stuck.

Unable to go for what we want or do the things that are truly in alignment. But over time, we can build up our nervous system capacity and tolerance. It is possible. I see it reflected to me in my life every day.

Am I earned secure yet? Maybe. Almost. I’m certainly getting there.

I’m caring for myself, and learning to be open about my feelings, needs, and preferences in relationships. To honor my values and my boundaries. My separateness. Actively, not just quietly hiding in a corner, waiting for you to say your truth before I say mine. 

I first did this with my family first, stepping into a much more active boundary space, where I shared and showed myself as I am – this risking of “rejection” over and over is where healing lives. I am still doing it, learning to feel able to depend on myself and give myself what I need even if it disrupts connection with a close attachment.

That is my ongoing learning process. A tip for you; perhaps start with less established relationships. Shifting our family ones is often hardest. But you can do it! 

And honestly? Nothing ever feels as bad as abandoning ourselves.

No breakup – whether you’re the one ending it, on the receiving end, or a mutual decision, ever feels as bad as not being there for ourselves. 

That’s because we repeat the trauma of childhood emotional abandonment when we seek from the outside instead of ourselves. Because, the outside wasn’t reliable to begin with, and yet, here we are, hoping again and again, that we can earn that love, that we can be proved worthy via the love and presence of another human being, when it is a notoriously unpredictable and uncontrollable world. So we must let go, and let god.

Sourcing support only from the outside means we never learn how to hold the complexity of our human existence.

And yet, our longest standing relationship? The one with ourselves.

That’s not to downplay the need for connection.

We are literally wired for it, and require it to feel safe on a nervous system level, a physiological level. So it’s not needy, it’s not too much, you’re not strange or weird or different, for having anxiety or seeking disconnection and deactivating from a committed partner. This work is so very hard.

And facing it often means facing our abandonment fears and codependence. But you know what?

Your desire for love is the most human thing about you. 

And that is goddamn beautiful.

Every time your urges and fears pop up (proximity seeking behaviours in therapy speak) – smile and honor your deeply loving nature. We have to walk the space of also learning to soothe, love, and connect to ourselves before we reach for that via another person.

Or if you lean avoidant, read: before you reach for that activity you normally use to avoid and dissociate: whether it’s work, cycling, or Netflix, the trick here is to also notice what you’re needing and feeling and be able to stay with that. To keep that faith in love and support and in those scary moments reach out for support, not disconnection.

Being present with ourselves and our pain takes so much courage.

It takes being able to weather the changes of our emotions, and let’s face it – that’s harder on a stormy day than it is on a beautiful sunny one. But try we must.

Reconnect we must, if we want to be able to be there for ourselves and have a healthy way of relating to ourselves, each other, and the world. If we don’t, we’ll blame, avoid, and stay stuck in the same old loops we’ve been stuck in for years and years. 

And no one wants that. 

And lastly, before you beat yourself up, know that when our attachment is disrupted and the brain doesn’t receive the input it requires at a certain developmental stage – it physiologically doesn’t get what it needs and parts of us may stay stuck at the level of a 2 or 4 year old until we heal!

So if it feels like that inner child is acting up, that’s because it is! Attachment trauma affects us throughout life and isn’t to be disregarded. Take care of you! Provide for you. 🤝